I haven’t been on Tumblr in a really long time but I really need a place to vent. Not too many people I know personally follow me on here anyway or don’t go on as much anymore. I just need a place to vent because I don’t know what’s happening to me.
I already explained some of this to my best friend and my boyfriend. I’ve been lying to almost everyone, including them. I lie about having work, or being sick or whatever just to get out of leaving the house. The reason I don’t want to leave is because I’m embarrassed by my body. I feel like people are going to see me and say how big I have gotten. I’m terrified of being called “fat” or “heavy” or someone asking behind my back if I’ve gained weight.
The odd thing is that the number on the scale is the same as it’s pretty much always been, but in the mirror or in pictures I see something massive. It’s been happening for almost two months now and I’m just getting worse and worse, hiding myself from the world. I’m not acting on it though. I’m not skipping meals or working out. I’m doing nothing. Just watching myself grow. Never in my life have I seen myself this huge.
A huge part of me wants to go back into old habits and lose the weight quick, but I know that’s dangerous. I did go about two weeks eating healthy and I still looked the same in the mirror. I don’t know what happened but it is slowly taking over my life and I don’t know what to do or even how it started. No one called me a name or anything. No one grabbed at my fat. Nothing. The scale is the same, the clothes fit the same. Why do I see something completely new to me in pictures or in the mirror? What do I do?